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Ask the Train: Totally Legit Relationship Advice

Decepticon relationships can be pretty fragged up. If you're a Decepticon and you've lost control of your love life, you don't know if you HAVE a love life, or you're just curious about relationships that DON'T involve killing your friends, Astrotrain is here to help*.

*This blog does not take responsibility if following the advice here sabotages or even destroys your relationships. Your mileage may vary.

Sep 6 '14

Anonymous asked:

Hypothetically, how many dildos do you think a bot could fit in their valve? Say they're about- uh- Smokescreen's size. Not that that's me or anything. I'm just around his size.

You know you could just ask me straight up about this stuff, right? Cause I personally may not see you as a dude on the frag table but you’ve got needs too so..

It all depends on how flexible your valve is. If you barely do anything with it, you’ll be lucky if you just get one. If you’re an old pro, you could probably get at least one more in there, and some fingers. You could cheat and get a bunch of small dildos to simulate the width of a really big one, too.

Basically, if you can stick your arm up in there, it’s probably a safe bet you can double dip. Don’t push it too hard, or you’ll rip something.

If you were my size class, you could probably end up with a valve full of the average sized things and still have room to spare, but that’s just a scale issue, I think.

Sep 1 '14

Anonymous asked:

Would optic filters /really/ get eaten up by nanites- and start eating up optics- if you left them in for, say, twelve million years?

… well, if your self-repair systems started viewing them as a legit threat to your optics, like a solid wall of foreign contaminant - they might start eating them, yeah.

And maybe they’re a little more vigorous than they need to be due to other stuff they have to worry about.. like war injuries, regular injuries.. diseases and plagues.. general disrepair…

………

i think i need to find out if mine are doing that too

Aug 30 '14

medicalmurdersaurus asked:

Me Swoop love Her Bird. Laserbeak.

Well, you know what they say - birds of a feather flock together.

Except you don’t have feathers.

But whatever. Good for you. The ‘beak back home probably would have attempted to slaughter you long before it got to that point, but I guess a ceasefire helps, right?

She like you? Or is this a one-sided thing? .. do you need a Disney song to send her?

Aug 29 '14

Anonymous asked:

I'd rather not leave my partner. If I must go then I will, but it's... I don't want to go that route unless I have to. And I don't have to go until I know he doesn't want me around. Unfortunately, I don't know what he wants right now. Our break to gather our thoughts is turning more into a "don't talk to me at all" because I don't know what to say to him and I don't think he knows what to say to me. And I think one of us should say something but we don't know what and this is getting worse.

Ask him what he wants, straight up.

Lay it down clear cut, no room for second-guessing. No way to wriggle out of it.

… and let the chips fall where they may.

Aug 27 '14

Well see, sometimes.. words aren’t good enough. Sometimes, you get hit out of left field with it, even if you had a pretty good idea it was coming - and it crashes into you with the weight of a thousand tons and your entire language center shuts right the fuck down.
Then what are you left with? You know if you say anything, it’ll come out wrong. You can’t write it down, that breaks the moment even further.
By the time your processor finally picks up enough pieces that might be SOMETHING almost right, it’s too fucking late and your partner hates you because you did the wrong thing in the wrong moment and you keep digging your hole deeper until there’s nothing left of what you used to have and you can’t even maintain a level of friendship with him that doesn’t end up in something getting broken and feeling like garbage.
… but I mean. Maybe it’s not like that. Maybe he’s just.. gathering his resources. Trying to make it right for you. Or something.
Maybe he just doesn’t want to say it, because it’ll hurt less when you leave him, because he doesn’t have to live up to that expectation you’re setting for him— that he’s setting for himself, I should say.
Maybe his only experience in actually saying the thing nearly cost him what he was talking about. Maybe he thought he KILLED what he was talking about at the time.
…
but that’s just my experience.
On the other hand, if you want to just ditch him, ditch him. Clearly he’s not worth your time if he can’t even work up the courage to share a cute moment without fucking it up, am I right?

Well see, sometimes.. words aren’t good enough. Sometimes, you get hit out of left field with it, even if you had a pretty good idea it was coming - and it crashes into you with the weight of a thousand tons and your entire language center shuts right the fuck down.

Then what are you left with? You know if you say anything, it’ll come out wrong. You can’t write it down, that breaks the moment even further.

By the time your processor finally picks up enough pieces that might be SOMETHING almost right, it’s too fucking late and your partner hates you because you did the wrong thing in the wrong moment and you keep digging your hole deeper until there’s nothing left of what you used to have and you can’t even maintain a level of friendship with him that doesn’t end up in something getting broken and feeling like garbage.

… but I mean. Maybe it’s not like that. Maybe he’s just.. gathering his resources. Trying to make it right for you. Or something.

Maybe he just doesn’t want to say it, because it’ll hurt less when you leave him, because he doesn’t have to live up to that expectation you’re setting for him— that he’s setting for himself, I should say.

Maybe his only experience in actually saying the thing nearly cost him what he was talking about. Maybe he thought he KILLED what he was talking about at the time.

but that’s just my experience.

On the other hand, if you want to just ditch him, ditch him. Clearly he’s not worth your time if he can’t even work up the courage to share a cute moment without fucking it up, am I right?

Aug 15 '14

Anonymous asked:

A bird may love a fish, Signore, but where would they live?

image

… who are you callin’ a fish?

Jul 24 '14

Anonymous asked:

wait there isn't /really/ romance happening between me and megs right? whatever it is it's not romance right

You said you had a thing for him. He’s affectionately teasing you. All we need now is a fun little montage and you’ll find yourself in a Disney wedding.

Jul 24 '14

Anonymous asked:

Favorite pairing: Ratchet/Astrotrain do not question this.

image

i may require an essay on why this is a thing

Jul 24 '14

Anonymous asked:

NOOOO I DON'T WANT MY DESTINY TO BE FRAGGING FRAGGING MEGATRON

Who said anything about destiny?

Like, you can have a Megafetish and be destined for other stuff. That’s only one destiny. Or something.

Jul 24 '14

Anonymous asked:

NOO NO I DON'T WANT A MEGAFETISH HELP

You don’t choose the fetish.

The fetish chooses you.