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Ask the Train: Totally Legit Relationship Advice

Decepticon relationships can be pretty fragged up. If you're a Decepticon and you've lost control of your love life, you don't know if you HAVE a love life, or you're just curious about relationships that DON'T involve killing your friends, Astrotrain is here to help*.

*This blog does not take responsibility if following the advice here sabotages or even destroys your relationships. Your mileage may vary.

Apr 18 '14

Anonymous asked:

Does spark stuff hurt? What do you do to make sure no injuries happen with that stuff? How is it enjoyable? Help.

Uh

Well

I dunno if I’m the best one to ask about this considering my spark virginity was taken by the fucking Unmaker, but.. basically just use your common sense? If you think it’s gonna hurt to put that in there, don’t put that in there. Electricity is pretty fun, if you know what you’re doing.

Most of my tiny experience has been with merging, so..

I can’t really describe what it feels like, I mean.. the first time, I was overwhelmed with a small part of something larger than existence - it was suffocating, warm, and intoxicating. I wanted it to consume me. But if he hadn’t held back he probably would have killed me so I guess it’s good that i’m not the one that was in control there.

The second time, I was trying to overwhelm the other spark. I wanted him to be mine. I’m pretty sure that’s not what you’re supposed to do. Like bludgeoning the poor slagger with pleasure.

Just.. I dunno. Take your time. Explore each other. It’s not a race.

And don’t worry about bonding your first go - it’s a gradual process, you won’t just be like BLORP bonded. So if you just do it once, you’re fine.

Licking sparks might be fun. Might lose feeling in your glossa though.

Apr 18 '14

Anonymous asked:

;^;

….. kid the analogy breaks down if there’s no actual murder involved.

Do you want me to see about locking him up, instead?

Apr 18 '14

Anonymous asked:

No... I just want him to go forever without being dead 3:'(

So an endless road trip, then.

Escorted by mister Overlord.

Apr 18 '14

madmud2730 asked:

You suck at this.

I’m pretty sure a kid is hiring me for murder, so..

Apr 18 '14

Anonymous asked:

No....

Do you not want him to be reborn as someone actually likeable?

Apr 18 '14

Anonymous asked:

:'(

… and then he found a land full of cute fluffy things and they turned him from a gigantic douchebiscuit to someone almost tolerable, and eventually he earned enough good noodle points to become reborn as a likeable guy.

Is that better?

Apr 18 '14

Anonymous asked:

Are you sure? He's really really really really really really really bad, but ... I don't wanna kill anybody. I don't like dying happening.

Don’t think of it as dying, think of it as.. he’s in a better place. Or worse place. He went on a permanent vacation. One of those long, extended roadtrips that end in tears and suffering.

Apr 18 '14

Anonymous asked:

Would making a murder agreement make me bad? :(

Pff, no, pretty sure senators hired people to murder other people all the time and people only called ‘em bad cause they endorsed the caste system.

Besides, I’m the one that suggested acting on the murder thing, if anyone’s gonna get put in lockup for this it’s me.

Apr 17 '14

Anonymous asked:

Right under Unicron!

Then someone oughta murder the slag out of him.

I can draw up a non-disclosure agreement and everything.

Apr 17 '14

Anonymous asked:

But I don't wanna wish people dead! But ... but this guy is so BAD!

It’s cool. We all get those little urges where we really think people would be better off not living anymore. Some of us more than others. It’s a normal part of coping with the day to day struggle of dealing with other people.

Also, you’re anonymous. It’s not like anyone you know will know I offered my murder services to you.

On a scale of one to Unicron, how bad?