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Ask the Train: Totally Legit Relationship Advice

Decepticon relationships can be pretty fragged up. If you're a Decepticon and you've lost control of your love life, you don't know if you HAVE a love life, or you're just curious about relationships that DON'T involve killing your friends, Astrotrain is here to help*.

*This blog does not take responsibility if following the advice here sabotages or even destroys your relationships. Your mileage may vary.

Jul 21 '14

Anonymous asked:

where do I get giant popsicles to put up his butt though


Jul 21 '14

Anonymous asked:

How do I get Overload to stop putting things in my butt?

dammit smoketopus

.. wait is he actually putting things in your aft?

I thought it was just.. fictional aft harassment. Aftface. Why is it an aft face? Nevermind I don’t think I want to know.

Put.. bigger things in his aft??

Jul 21 '14

(Source: liverde)

Jul 19 '14

Anonymous asked:

help i think i accidentally started courting another megatron


Dammit Smoketopus.

if it becomes a megaharem can i have a time share of them

Jul 3 '14

Anonymous asked:

I don't mean to brag but I have quite a big spike and I was wondering if I can spike myself but I'm not sure yet. Have you ever tried this before?


Dude, that’s— what—


It doesn’t really.. it’s not supposed to bend down or around like that, is it? Like it can bend up, but.. no one really has a valve in their abdominal plates. That’s kind of weird.

Don’t tempt me into trying this. I’m only slightly in the bigger than average class, and I paid good money for this thing. If it snaps off I’m slapping you with it.

… not that I’m gonna do it. That’s crazy. You’re crazy. Get a dildo, you dingus. It hurts way less.

Jun 29 '14

medicalmurdersaurus asked:

Me Swoop found egg.

…. yours or


Have you tried sitting on it?

Jun 29 '14

Anonymous asked:

How do you self service with your spark? I get terrified of touching it, but I want to try to reduce my- fear of them.

Take it really, really slow. Glacially. Slow enough that if it was someone else they’d smack your hand away and do it themselves.

Maybe one day you manage to ghost your fingers just above the corona. And maybe, just maybe, the next day or week you brush your fingertips against the corona. Maybe after that you figure out you can start stroking it. And if you’re really brave, you can try squeezing it. So on and so forth.

If it scares you too much to get to the next step, back off and try again later. Or not.

Teeny tiny baby steps. Treat it with respect. And if you skip straight to manhandling it, you’re gonna freak yourself right the fuck out, so don’t feel like you have to rush anything.

Jun 25 '14

Anonymous asked:

How can I know if I love someone or if its just that I dont feel like killing?

It’s not as clear-cut as people like to make it out to be. It’s not all heart-optics or fluttering sparks or petnames.

It can be forged from hate and friendship as well as infatuation and lust.

Loyalty, dependency, obsession, possession - it’s all in there.

And I mean yeah not wanting to kill em is a thing, but then, I gotta wonder if Salad can feel anything without wanting to kill the thing for daring to make him feel it.

I think.. I think the best test is, would your spark break if this person left you, forgot you, or was killed in front of you?

Not like, ‘oh shit a person just died’, but if you would PERSONALLY be hurt by it, worse than if a friend was taken from you… if you think your life would suffer without them, even if it sort of suffers with them… s’kind of a big clue.

It’s okay if you can’t say it. Saying things like ‘don’t do anything stupid’ is pretty close, I think.

May 15 '14

Anonymous asked:

How do you stop loving someone?

When you figure it out, tell me.

May 14 '14

Anonymous asked:

what do you do if you think you're having a drinking problem?

keep drinking

Accept that you have a problem. Learn to control it instead of it controlling you. Cut back a little if it’s starting to hurt worse than it helps - most people would say you have to give it up completely, no highgrade ever, but that’s not how your system works. 

You gotta go real slow. Instead of six cubes a day, you drink five. Maybe after a while, you start drinkin’ four. Maybe that’s as low as you can go. It’s okay.

When you get a craving for the really gnarly stuff, go for something a little softer instead. Switch out one aft-kicker for minibot grade, especially if that’s what you’re using to recharge. Not every night, just occasionally.

Keep an optic on your body. Learn when too much is too much. If there’s fire in your lines, get em checked out before you’re medically commanded to stop, forever, or your damn spark’ll explode.

… just don’t end up like me.